Big life changes are inevitable, but that doesn’t make them any easier for children (or adults) to manage. Structure and stability feel safe for children, so new experiences like divorce, moving, attending a new school, or welcoming a baby sibling can be scary. As we face changes, we develop the skills of resilience. By navigating and growing from these experiences, we strengthen and train our “resilience muscle.” Children who are new to major life changes need extra support in addressing their feelings, understanding and adjusting to change, and learning new strategies and skills along the way.
Remember that children feel our emotions, so start by acknowledging and regulating your own feelings about the big change.
Once you’re composed and ready to guide your child through this time of transition, try the seven strategies below. These effective strategies will help your child feel safe, adjust, and build resilience.
Give Them Time to Prepare
With some changes, like the unexpected death of a loved one, preparation isn’t possible. But when preparation is an option, give your child plenty of warning that a major change is coming. This allows them time to process and begin to accept the change.
It also gives you time to familiarise your child with the unfamiliar. If you’re moving, take your child to look at the new house and/or new school. Arrange for your child to meet the teacher in advance. Ask the teacher to talk to your child about what a typical day is like at the new school, give a brief tour of the classroom, or even show other students’ photos and fun activities.
If the life change is divorce, show your child where the other parent will be living. Point out which room will belong to them. Take them on a tour of the neighbourhood and highlight any interesting or exciting features.
If you’re having a baby, show your children pictures of themselves as babies. Talk about what to expect when the new baby comes and all the ways your children can be great big brothers or sisters.
Listen to Their Concerns
While you’ll want to focus on the positives associated with the big life change, also take time to address your child’s questions and concerns. Often, children simply want empathy and understanding.
Say something like, “Moving to a new place can feel sad and scary. It’s okay to feel that way. Let’s take some deep breaths together. We can handle this.”
If your child struggles to name what they are feeling, help them label the emotion (e.g., anxious, sad, nervous, worried, or scared). Putting a name to the feeling makes it less overwhelming and easier to manage.
If your child is concerned about when they will see the other parent after a divorce, for example, buy a calendar and put stickers on each day they will spend with the other parent.
If they’re worried that you will never spend time with them after the new baby comes, talk about different activities that you will still do together. Remind them they can still ask for an extra hug or kiss whenever they need it. For children who are moving to school and anxious about making friends, roleplay potential scenarios and conversations.
You won’t have the answer to everything, and that’s okay.
Read Books About Big Life Changes
There are plenty of children’s books written to help kids cope with major life changes. Here are a few examples.
Divorce
It’s Not Your Fault, Koko Bear by Vicki Lansky
Two Homes by Claire Masurel
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
New Baby
You Were the First by Patricia McLachlan
Babies Don’t Eat Pizza by Dianne Danzig
One Special Day by Lola M. Schaefer
Moving
Moving to the Neighbourhood by Jason Fruchter
A Kiss Goodbye by Audrey Penn
My Very Exciting, Sorta Scary Big Move by Lori Attanasio Woodring
Keep Routines the Same
When a major change happens, it’s important to give your child as much consistency and stability as possible.
Do your best to stick to your usual schedule and routines, and don’t facilitate any additional changes that may further upset your child. For instance, don’t move your child from the crib to a new bed while they’re already feeling anxious about becoming an older sibling.
Bedtimes and mealtimes, in particular, should remain consistent. The structure feels safe for children, so provide as much of it as possible to restore a sense of safety.
If you’re moving to a new house or if your child will be spending time at a second home after a divorce, try to set the room up like the child’s room at home. Give your child time to play with the same toys, read the same books, and do any family rituals that you enjoy.
Plus, getting plenty of rest and continuing to eat a nutritious diet helps your child feel better, happier, and calmer.
Provide Connection and Play
Another thing that should remain consistent is your child’s connection with you.
Make sure your child knows that no matter what else changes, you aren’t going anywhere, and neither is the bond you have with your child.
You may be coping with the new changes and the extra stress that comes with it, but set aside even 10 minutes each day to give your child your undivided attention. Make eye contact, put the phone away, and be playful and affectionate.
If your child is older, provide joint attention: Watch the same movie, play a video game that your child enjoys, or share a meal at your child’s favourite restaurant — bond with your child by engaging in activities they enjoy.
A little extra attention and parent-child playtime reassure your child that your love and care will remain consistent, making it much easier to cope with changes in other aspects of life.
Give Them Choices and Ask for Help
During a big life change, children feel that they have no control over their lives. Give some sense of agency by allowing your child to make choices:
What colour does he want to paint his bedroom at the other parent’s home? What should you cook for the first meal in the new house? What outfit (shoes, hairstyle) do they want to wear for their first day at a new school?
The same goes for asking your child for help. Children like to contribute and feel valuable, responsible, and helpful. Ask your child if they have suggestions for the new baby’s name or provide input on choosing a new house.
Depending on the child’s age, they can help move boxes, pack items, and otherwise assist with a move. And there are plenty of ways big brothers and sisters can feel special and important by helping with a new baby. Your requests can be simple for young children, like bringing you the baby’s blanket or helping you sing a lullaby (even if they don’t really know the words).
Right now, your child probably feels helpless. Address this feeling by providing opportunities to be helpful and to make decisions.
Talk About Other Changes
Discuss or even sketch your child’s life path so far. What changes have already happened? Your child may have experienced
Starting school
Getting a new pet
Joining the soccer team
Finishing primary school
Talk about why these changes happened. What was good and not so good about each change?
What did your child learn from each experience? How did they get through it, and what coping skills have they learned? Discuss the idea that every time your child experiences a big change, they’re stronger and more prepared for the next one.
Similarly, your child can draw a “Before” and “After” picture illustrating a change they previously coped with successfully. Talk about the experience of that change using the same questions described above.
By now, these once terrifying changes are probably a normal part of life that no longer feels scary or overwhelming. Discussing the changes that are now in the past can help put the current situation in perspective.
Biglifejournal.com
